I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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