you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
no you cant smoke seaweed
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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