I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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