took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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