also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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