Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
