if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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