I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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