If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
