So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
