i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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