u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize