At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
