Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
