What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
