I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
