you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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