Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
