My liver just broke up with me...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
