So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
