I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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