The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
