I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
