I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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