what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
