What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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