Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
