I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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