If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
