the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
