The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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