when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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