Nicole vs. Life
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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