so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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