How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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