Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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