Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I understand Curling. That high.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
