He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize