I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
