We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
