Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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