there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
