Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
