Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
