Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she told me i tasted like america
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
