made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
