Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
