24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
