now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
