someone get that fucking seahorse.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
