I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
