In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
