just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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