Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
