a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
