I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That accounts for only three of the penises
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Randomize
