So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
