he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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