Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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