so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
