you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
