I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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