well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I want her autograph on my taint
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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